The Rime of the Psycho Mariner
by Eladard Kikur
Summary: Marth and the Altean army wind up on a boat with a demented mariner. PG-13 for language, pure insanity, and the boid's fate.


It was a hot Saturday afternoon in the Kingdom of Akanea. There was a large band competition underway and some of the Class 2A bands were getting into uniform. Some of the 2A bands and the larger 3A bands were practicing with their horns blaring into the area, the xylophonists pinging like snowfall, the percussionists booming like large dragons rampaging the continent. Clad in a fancy black uniform, the drum major of a cerulean-and-white 2A band walked over to the saxophonists and saluted them. He then left to get a drink of water when a ragged old man approached him. The man looked a bit off with his long ragged beard and crossed two-toned eyes. His clothing was that of a Pirate, but they were ripped and slashed and soiled. The man escorted the drum major over behind a brick wall and he huddled down onto the earth.

"May I help you, Sir?" asked the uneasy lad.

"There was a ship!" he replied. The man grasped the lad's hands tightly and the drum major looked horrified.

"Someone help! A madman has me! HELP!" cried the drum major. His plea for help has gone unheard of due to the high volume of the various bands of various sizes practicing their various repertoires. He tried to flee, but the Mariner grasped his gloved hands and pulled him down.

"Hear my tale of woe and agony and drama and angst. If thou wish to decline, then algebra shall spam on your cheese", warned the demented man.

"Listen, I have to get back to my band. After we perform and get out of uniform, I shall give you my undivided attention", said the drum major.

The man hurled a Beanie Baby squirrel at the lad and it landed at its target. "The Evil Rapid Mary-Sue Squirrel of Doom hath spoken! They command you to listen NOW!" cried the man.

"Can I just leave? You are just a dirty old-- Ow! Fine, I'll listen." The man and the lad sat down on the grass and listened to the man's bizarre fish tale.

* * *

"Wow! Look at the _size_ of that ship!" 

The Altean army was gathered at the docks, gawking at the said vessel. Sheeda, the Pegasus Knight, looked pretty lost in thought as she daydreamed about the different places she could travel to. Able was flirting with random girls, only to get beat up in various ways. He nearly got decapitated by Marth, the crowned prince of Altea, for hitting on his sister, Ellis. Everyone seemed to have a good time nevertheless, except for Marth. After Able sidled away to keep his head on his shoulders, Marth just looked down at the ocean, lost in thought. He wasn't lost in inspirational thought or in intellectual thought; he was immersed in horrible memories involving a lake and a school of red (or pink)-tinted fish.

"I wonder who owns this?" Doga asked aloud.

"Probably someone very rich and wealthy and powerful", replied Gordon.

Marth snapped back into reality and placed his two cents into the conversation. "Ha! No one can _ever_ be as rich and wealthy and powerful as I am!" For some reason, Marth flipped his hair in a very feminine and conceded fashion.

"Oh, hush up, Tiara Boy", grumbled Kain.

"Perhaps we should go ask someone", said Marth's advisor, Jeigan. Jeigan was an old geezer who's famous for starting a trend called the "Jeigan character" Basically, that person starts out powerful but becomes weak and useless at the end. Since he was the first person to do this, he was famous for that... yet no one likes him for that.

"Arrgh, I'm the owner of this ship!" said a demented Mariner. He was the same one telling the poor drum major the story. As he approached the group, he shoved Jeigan off the deck and into the water.

* * *

"I can't believe that you have assaulted His Highness' advisor!" exclaimed the drum major. 

"But he was in my way!"

"You could have walked _around_ him instead of knocking the poor guy over!" protested the lad.

"He's the Jeigan character! EEEEVIL, I TELL YOU!" The lad cowered in fear and the Mariner continued the tale.

* * *

The group applauded the Mariner as he approached them. Jeigan climbed out of the water, looking like a wet dog. 

"Welcome to my ship, the S.S. Sssssss!" announced the crazy aging Mariner.

"Why's it called the S.S. Sssssss?" asked Chiki.

"Because I only had an S stencil," replied the Mariner.

"Disturbed old goat," grumbled Ryan.

"May we ride on your ship, my good man?" asked Ellis, Marth's older sister.

"I shall take you all to wherever you want to go," replied the Mariner.

Everyone began to shout random places to go. Finally, Marth quieted everyone down.

"SHADDUP, PEOPLE!!!" screeched the effeminate prince. Everyone stopped talking and stared at him as if he was wearing a pink wedding dress... which wouldn't be _too_ unusual when it comes to Marth. "I wanna go to Ilia!"

"Bu... But Prince Marth! That's too far!" whined Gordon.

"We're going to Ilia," Marth growled darkly.

"Over my dead body!" protested Yumina.

Upon hearing this, Marth screamed and ranted. This looked more like a major temper tantrum executed by a 16-year-old rather than a 2-year-old. If the kids from Nanny 911 saw this, they would probably study under Marth in the art of tantrum throwing. Everyone else glared at Yumina for saying that even though they agreed with her. Suddenly, a Magikarp leaped out of the water and smacked Marth in the face. He fell into the water before he could even react to it (he was severely koikinguphobic). Everyone cheered and boarded the boat, except for Ellis. She retrieved her baby brother and dragged him on board.

* * *

"There ARE no Magikarp around here!" pouted the Drum Major. 

"Not in the Kingdom of Akanea, of course! In the Kingdom of Altea, ummm... maybe," replied the deranged Mariner of Doom. The helpless Drum Major sighed and listened to the rest of the random rubbish of a story the crazy old man had to tell.

_Man... What'd I do to deserve this? Is the presence of the Mariner a sign or something? Is he a bad omen for the AHS Marching Pelicans? Is he a sign from God stating that we may not win sweepstakes? We may get last place or worse... _disqualified_?! Let this crazy story end soon! I have to get back and conduct!_

Suddenly, music from the lad's band began to play. It wasn't their field show music, but it sounded more like "How to Play" from Super Smash Bros. Melee. The band'll play this as a warm up. _They've already started?!_ the lad thought to himself. The Drum Major began to bang his head against the wall as the Mariner resumed.

* * *

The boat and the Altean army set sail for Ilia. It was noontime for the sun was directly above the mast. It was quite a pleasant experience for everyone but Marth. He complained about the sun, the heat, and his seasickness. A majority of his time was spent next to the edge of the boat for his seasickness was such a formidable opponent. His complaining wasn't as much as usual because his foe got the best of him time and time again. 

"This is so nice!" said Marchis.

"Shut up. No one cares what you--" Before Marth could finish his sentence, he vomited.

"Don't ruin your clothes, Martha," taunted Marchis.

Marth was about to say something to him when his held his stomach and leaned back over the edge to vomit again.

"Does Ellis know that you're anorexic?" asked Marchis with a sly grin.

Marth vomited again then turned to his tormentor. "You mean 'bulimic', you dingbat. Anorexics starve themselves; bulimics make themselves throw up."

"How do _you_ know?" Marchis laughed then shouted "Hey, guys! Guess what? Marth's--"

"Urrrrk!"

Splat!

Marchis looked down at his feet and found a little surprise. The prince of Altea accidentally vomited on his shoes. Marchis got so angry that he hit Marth upside the head. Unfortunately, Sheeda caught sight of that. To make matters worse for the tormentor, it happened to be that time of the month for Sheeda. When it's that time of the month for the princess of Talis, anything that provokes her ended up starting World War III.

"MARCHIS!!!" shrieked the PMSing princess.

"Yeah, what?" replied the said man. Wrong tone of voice and attitude to use with her.

Sheeda grabbed Marchis' collar and screamed in his face "WHY DID YOU BEAT UP MY BOYFRIEND?!"

"He-he-he puked on my shoes!" stuttered the frightened guy.

"OF COURSE, YOU DINGBAT!!! HE'S SEASICK!!!"

Marchis wished that he'd get struck by lighting and die because it was a heck of a lot better than facing the wrath of Sheeda on her period. She's known to tar and feather those who provoke her when it's that time of the month with boiling hot tar. Marth felt so sick to his stomach that it was becoming increasingly difficult to appease the demon. He felt it coming again and he quickly turned to run to the side, but it was too late. He went on the love of his life that happened to be a time bomb waiting to explode.

"Urrrrk!"

Splat!

"MARRRRRRRRTH!!!"

"Crap. We're all going to die," grumbled Marchis.

* * *

"Was Sheeda _really_ like that?" asked the Drum Major. 

"Yes! She was... THE DEVIL!" cried the Mariner.

"I doubt it. One of my female pals would be like that too sometimes..." mumbled the lad.

* * *

This was basically how the ride went until later that day. Marth was still seasick, vomiting and had a very unstable stomach, but this time he was littered with cuts and bruises. These were from Jeigan's weapon that Sheeda "borrowed" to teach Marth and Marchis a lesson. To make (Marth's) matters worse, a great storm had awoken. The perfect storm gave pursuit of the crew and sent them a-fleeing. The storm tattered the sails a bit, yet the crew continued to head northbound. There, they were greeted with mist and snow. 

"(bleep)! My sails! My (bleep)ing sails!" cried the Mariner.

Some hail pelted everyone on the face and any part of their body that wasn't covered up. The barrage left rather sore marks on their skin.

"My skin! My beautiful skin!" cried Marth. He quickly stood up to do a "dramatic death" scene, but his foe returned and struck him harshly. Instead of dying, Marth ran to the side and resumed puking his guts up.

There were tons of ice all around. Everywhere they looked, the crew was surrounded by ice. It made cracking sounds that gave the impression that it'll break off and smash onto the boat and kill everyone. The very idea got a lot of people panicking, mainly our genderly-challenged friend.

Amidst the dense fog, an Albatross flew by. As if it was sent from the heavens, the avian surveyed the crew. Everyone (that wasn't vomiting, that is) cried out "By St.--" but sadly, they got pelted by more hailstones. Gordon reached into a bag and pulled out some bite-sized food for the bird. The Albatross flew around his hand and nibbled on the food. Suddenly, the ice split and cracked loudly like thunder. Then... an unnaturally high-pitched scream emitted from our oft-bashed unit in this story thus far (Jeigan-bashing and Marchis-bashing will come later... if they don't all get killed and die horribly first). The boat was able to steer through the icy dungeon that would have been their watery-icy grave!

"Hey, what should we name 'em?" asked Ryan.

"Name who?" asked Zaggaro.

"That goddamn boid that's stalking us!" explained Doga.

"Oh, the boid! I forgot all about it!" said Zaggaro.

"I think we should name it Kenny because it's a cool name!" chirped Gordon. The ill-fated fowl flew onto the not-as-genderly-challenged archer's shoulder and perched up there.

"How do you know if Kenny's a boy or a girl?" asked Minerva.

"I dunno," Gordon shrugged.

"I say that we name the boid after moi!" exclaimed Marth.

"Hey, that's a good idea since we don't know the boid's gender, just like we don't know yours!" laughed Meric. Marth slapped him hard like a weak little girly-girl.

"No way! The boid loved me first, so I get first pick!" whined Gordon.

"But _I'm_ the ruler of _your_ country, Chicken Legs!" Marth taunted.

"Ellis is older than you, so you're not in charge of Altea; _she_ is!" Gordon shot back.

"I'm neutral!" cried Ellis and she sidled away from the arguing units that have a bit of a gender problem.

"That means that _I'm_ in charge, brat!" Marth glared down at the little archer and flicked his little nose.

"Ow! Godda--"

Everyone gasped and stared at Gordon. He almost cussed. What a bizarre turn of events.

Gordon, cupping his flicked nose, growled under his breath and kicked Marth in the shin. Marth screamed like a girl and whacked Gordon. They engaged in a melee while the Kenny-Marth fowl looked on. It flew on top of Marth's head and perched up there.

"Wait a minute! Kenny! What are you doing?!" exclaimed Gordon.

The Albatross squawked at the archer tauntingly.

"See? It loves _me_ more than _you_! So NYAH!" Marth pulled one eyelid down and stuck his tongue at Gordon. To the Albatross, Marth told it, "I shall call you… MARTH!" He huggled (a combination of a hug and snuggling) it tightly while engaging in a conversation in baby talk.

"I think… I'm going to hurl…" groaned Marchis. A seagull flew by and did a "hit-and-run" on top of his head. "Ugh! Nasty! _Now_ I'm gonna hurl!" cried Marchis.

For the next few days on the trip, Marth the Albatross came when its master, Marth the Prince of Altea, called its name. Marth the Albatross would play on the thermals and updrafts like a carefree child. Of course, both boy and bird Christian the same name brought slight confusion amongst the group. Like for example, Thomas told Katua that Marth molted. Katua believed that the sissy boy named Marth was the one that molted because Thomas didn't specify which Marth. Another time, Est joked with Hardin that Marth was PMSing because he was screaming and ranting for no apparent reason. Hardin stayed below deck for the day because he was afraid of the Albatross and that time of the month (after witnessing Sheeda beating the crude out of Marth the Prince and Marchis during the first day).

All has gone well until one day… While Gordon and Ryan were doing whatever, the Mariner reached for one of their bows and picked an arrow from an unguarded quiver. He had one thing on his twisted mind; dispose the Mary-Sue. No one on board had all the characteristics of the Mary-Sue. Not even Marth (although it's wise not to let him know of this because he believes that he's absolutely perfect, even more than the Sue). It was believed that the Mariner heard voices and saw people that no sane individual ever saw or heard. Thus why he spotted the annoying Mary-Sue before anyone else has even heard of Her. What Mary-Sue? She was there in the Mariner's mind. The Sue's real name was Paranoia and She was from a race called Anxiety. One of Her powerful powers was called Trickery where She'd direct the Mariner to Her location then disappear from sight. Only he saw Her for he had the power to see Them. To everyone else, this was called Insanity.

* * *

"So lemme get this straight. You were the only one who saw an incredibly beautiful girl with cobalt-blue and neon-pink hair, purple eyes, and yadda yadda yadda… right?" asked the Drum Major sarcastically. 

"Yes! She was a shapeshifter! She could turn into _anything_ and go undetected! Mary-Sues are EVIL! It was my job as the owner of the greatest fanfiction archive ever to dispose these evil babes!" cried the Mariner.

"I congratulate you on your dedica-- wait! 'Evil babes'?!"

"Yessir, evil babes", growled the Mariner.

* * *

He loaded the arrow and aimed at Her. The Sue came into sight, but She was on the far side of the boat. The Mariner had only one chance to dispose of Her. Only one. The Mariner released the string and the arrow charged heroically into the Evil One. The brave arrow pierced the Sue and She landed on the deck with a loud thump. The Mariner dropped his weapon and cheered loudly at his act of bravery. Everyone looked at him and came to realize who Mary-Sue's true form was.

"You… You… You killed… th-th-the…" sniffled Paola.

"Mary-Sue was the Albatross," the Mariner announced gravely.


End file.
